"Drug use is one of the biggest problems existing in our country today." This is a statement with which most normal, patriotic Americans would all agree. We see homeless men on the streets every day asking for money, and they are obviously going to spend it on drugs. We know this because, clearly, homeless people do not eat. Therefore, they use every penny and dime collected to get their pathetic high.
Yet some sick people want to make these drugs legal; they like to call themselves "activists" and "liberals". They say that small-time drugs, like marijuana, don’t really do the body that much harm and that it is a person’s right to put anything they want into their own body.
Well, these people may call themselves "rights activists", but they don’t fool me. It is evident that they are secretly Soviet Communists attempting to infiltrate the American government via the elimination of drug regulations. Once America passes the ruling, the Soviets will buy every company that produces cookie dough, potato chips, pork rinds, etc. As soon as America gets collectively high enough on dope, the Soviets will start making massive sums of money from these random products, which they will use to create a giant arsenal of nuclear weapons so they can get the lead in the arms race. Some might say they would use that money to help their people, but to them I say, "You’re wrong, very wrong. So just shut up."
"Why are they so wrong?" you might ask. Well, the Soviets don’t actually have a population, so to speak. Every person that lives in Russia is either a government official, a soldier, a spy, or a poor person. And everyone knows poor people don’t count.
Therefore, I have a solution to this drug/Communist problem. My solution consists of two basic ideas: handle every drug addict the way that they handle their drug of choice and force-feed homeless people.
First, we must eliminate drug use among the wealthy and middle class. We will take every drug addict...