(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in this color, bold and in brackets] throughout your essay.
Hi, Lisa. I’m Alicia, your tutor for this draft of your essay. Welcome! I enjoyed reading your work!
This essay explains how the writer acquired a first job and summarizes the job duties, noting that the writer learned to manage money.
Strengths of the Essay
In this draft, it was wise to explain how you felt (in addition to what happened). The reader wants to understand what you felt. Here is one example: “I was so excited, yet so nervous…” Nice work!
First, Lisa, when you tell a story, you need to include so much detail that the reader can “see” and “experience” what happened. In this draft, you do not include enough detail. Let’s look at one example: “I went in and had the interview with the store manager. It lasted maybe about twenty minutes.” Here, you summarize what happened, but you include no detail, so the reader cannot truly understand what happened.
Here is an example of how you can add more detail: I went in and had the interview with the store manager, who seemed to be about ___ years old. [Describe manager.] The manager asked me ____ and ____. I explained that ____. It lasted maybe about twenty minutes.
You don’t need to include every detail of what happened; instead select the most interesting or important details and add those. This is just one example. I noted other questions in your draft to help you get started, but you should add detail throughout your essay. Watch for places you only summarize what happened; then, add specific details.
Next, in your conclusion, Lisa, you focus on a subject you have not developed in your essay—something you generally want to avoid. You write, “I learned how to manage my money.”...